Physical violence is only one aspect of domestic abuse. Domestic abuse can involve a wide range of abusive and controlling behavior, including threats, harassment, financial control, and emotional abuse.
Love bombing is where an abusive partner is bombarding ‘love’ onto their victim and is part of emotional abuse and coercive control. It could include excessive affection, excessive compliments, declarations of love, gifts, and praise. It may also be wanting to move quickly into a commitment because they ‘can’t live without you’, showering of gifts or lavish treatment, and promises of a perfect life together.
Love bombing can be part of the early signs of abuse in a relationship, what we often call ‘red flags.' It can also be used in the ‘reconciliation’ phase of the abuse cycle, especially after an incident of abuse.
Love bombing becomes an effective tool for abusers as they exert coercive control over a partner. This quick acceleration of romance quickly breaks down barriers we put up, it causes us to become attached to our perpetrators, and they ‘hook’ you into the relationship. This strategic affection and declarations of love are also accelerated when the abuser feels they are losing their control, that the survivor may be wanting to flee or to make up for an abusive incident. They promise the survivor a future with them that she 'could' put up with.
An abusive person is rarely abusive at the beginning of a relationship, as very few women will get involved with someone who is abusive from the very start. In this way, some abusers need to charm their victim in order to ensnare them. There has to be a hook. Healthy excitement at a new potential partner is good. However, here are some warning signs of an abusive relationship that you can look out for:
These gradual attempts to isolate the person and gain control over them by using charm and jealousy/possession disguised as care sets the picture for an abuser to begin using behaviors in order to keep the person under their control.
Although everyone’s experience of abuse in a relationship is unique, here are some of the common effects of love-bombing.
“Intimacy comes with a lot of risks, like being embarrassed or rejected, so it’s human nature to proceed cautiously in a new relationship,” says Piorkowski. “When someone goes very quickly, you have to ask yourself: Why are they doing this?”
Besides the constant affection and grandiose gestures, there are other things to watch out for, as well. “One-sided conversations are an important sign,” says Piorkowski. “Love bombers often talk a lot about themselves, and your own needs and wishes don’t matter much.” One exception? They’ll likely pay you lots of compliments—but even those can start to feel insincere and inappropriate.
Pay attention to how your partner treats other people, as well. “The bullies of the world are bullies not just in romantic partnerships, but they tend to be bullies with others in their lives, too,” Piorkowski says.
Unfortunately, says Maggie Parker, a doctoral student at Binghamton University who studies intimate partner violence, it’s not always easy to tell if love bombing will progress to something worse. “The intention with love bombing, or any first phase of violence, is to make it so the person you’re doing it to isn’t aware that you’re doing it,” she says. “Abusers want to catch their victims off guard and pull them in.”
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